An elephant massage with extras in Phuket, Thailand

Ahh Thailand. If the ladyboys don’t get you the elephants will.

I was molested by one in front of a paying audience.

What I had expected was a “baby elephant massage” – a photo opportunity where a (big) baby elephant pretends to massage your back with his foot.

The first indication something was different from the many massages I had just witnessed at the elephant show at Phuket’s Island Safari park was that I was asked to lie on my back rather than my front and with my feet pointing towards the audience.

Once the handlers had shoved bananas up my shorts it was too late to back out, if backing out was ever an option. The elephant’s trunk was in there moments later. It snuffled around in my shorts for what felt like an eternity, although it was probably a matter of seconds. It went right up there. It was bristly and hot, and the sensation lingered well after the ordeal. It was violating. I may have to join a group.

When I stood up all the bananas were gone and everyone was laughing at me. I’ve rarely been so embarrassed. I’m glad I wore my good undies.

Read more: Stuff.co.nz